Winter Leaves Scars that Do Not Heal
by Queen of Air and Darkness
Summary: A Mab-fic! During Iron Knight, begins when Mab makes the deal w/ the BBW. She has a flashback and reflects on why she would do such a thing for Ash, when he betrayed her. A little, tiny bit of fluff, not much.


**A/N: So, Mab has always interested me, fascinated me even, in ways that no other aspect of Faery ever has. And since I kinda named myself after her, pen-name-wise, I thought I should honor Mab by writing her her very own fic. And let my proudly say that (to my knowledge) I'm the first person to ever do so. Woooo! ****So, because of the uniqueness of this fic, I have two disclaimers:**

**Disclaimer #1: I am not Julie Kagawa and therefore ****do not own the characters of Sage, Rowan, Ash, or Meghan. Fabian along with Kierran were my own creations, however, so they belong to me. **

**Disclaimer #2: Mab, if you ever happen to read this, and it turns out to be true, please PLEASE do not kill me for distributing it to the general public. On the plus side, virtually no one in the Seelie or Unseelie ****courts will ever read it because, you know, it's on a computer and computers have iron, and... yeah. Also, please don't kill me for using (one) of your names as my pen-name. View it not as being disrespectful, but as saying that I in fact respect you so much,that I had to do it. **

**So, with my little bit of insanity talking to imaginary faery queens out of the way, read on!**

I had never loved Sage or Rowan I did Ash. It was sub-conscious, and I would often try to deny it. Ash was almost never at court, hunting in the wyldwood, with Summer fey, no less. I had trained Rowan as my confidant and councilor, but I could no longer deny my love for my youngest son.

And perhaps that was why here I sat, in my throne room, having called the Big Bad Wolf before me.

"Queen of Air and Darkness." The Big Bad Wolf growled. "Why have you called me to your court?"

I tapped my nails on the arm of my throne as I gazed at the black-furred beast. "My son." I said "My only living son is going on a quest to attempt and gain a soul, to be with that half-Summer half-human whelp he cares so much for. Despite common beliefs, I have no desire to see my last son dead. So I offer you this deal." I leaned forward in my throne, staring directly into the yellow-green eyes of the Wolf. "You go on this quest with him- you protect my son. You do whatever it takes to ensure he comes out of this alive."

"In return… you will owe me a favor. " he said gutturally. I dug my nails into the armrests, shredding the ice. I felt the tingle of magic in the air as the deal was proposed, and the majority of my essence recoiled at the thought of being bound in such a way.

But if it would save Ash… if it would prevent his death…

"Granted." I replied, before the selfish part of my being- admittedly the greater amount- could override the part that still held the capacity to love.

The Wolf nodded once. "Until his quest is finished, I will do what is in my power to make sure he makes it through with his guts on the inside."

I nodded in return, dismissing him. He vanished through the throne room doors, and I was alone.

_Fool. _The selfish, dark part of my being thought. _He holds no value, no purpose. Why bind yourself in such a way that gives you no gain? You are stronger than this. _

The part of me that had been thinking when I made the contract with the Big Bad Wolf, the part of me that had not given in to the dark, savage Unseelie nature that plagues all Winter fey, wanted to protest. But I had given in to my dark nature a long time ago, and there was no way I could now step back into the light, even if _he _magically reappeared.

I shook that thought from my mind. I would not lose myself to grief a second time. I shuddered to think of the consequences on the Nevernever if more of the dark nature took hold of my being.

Even as hard as I tried, the memories would not stay buried. Rising from my ice throne, I left the throne room and entered my private chambers instead, ordering the knights standing guard outside to not let anyone in at any time. They murmured agreements and I swept into my chamber, locking the door and sheathing it in inches-thick ice as an extra precaution. I laid down on my bed and put an arm over my eyes. Then I gave into my memories and began to remember _him. _

_Flashback***************************************************************************_

Lifting my head and opening my eyes, I stared into the mirror. I wore white dragon-scale armor, pristine as fresh snow. My own silver-eyed gaze seemed perfectly emotionless- a killer's mask- and my black hair was pulled up, making my angular features more severe.

A pair of strong, familiar arms wrapped around my waist, bringing me against his chest as my lover's face appeared in the mirror.

Kierran's features were so different than mine, I almost laughed at the two opposites reflected back at us. His pale silvery-blond hair was pulled back also, high cheekbones leading up to pointed ears. His blue eyes twinkled with mirth, even though the rest of his face was as expressionless as my own.

"The war begins soon, Maeve." he said. I leaned my head against his chest. I loved hearing him say my name. _Maeve. _I had never liked it much myself, wishing for something stronger, more fitting for the Consort of the most powerful Winter fey. But how he said it, with love and perhaps a little reverence coloring his tone, made me enjoy hearing it.

I nodded to at his statement. There was another type of fey, that had begun calling themselves the Seelie, as if they were an organized court or kingdom, instead of a race bound by the way they could use glamour. These "Seelie", or as we still thought of them, Summer, fey had begun invading the territories of Winter fey and killing them. Some bastard named Oberon was behind the attacks, we believed. He was the Summer equivalent to Kierran, and he called himself king, though even Kierran had not taken such a title yet. I had asked him why once and he replied with a laugh "Let me command an army before a race." I had not asked him again, even as the war progressed. Both sides were losing many; Kierran and I didn't know how much longer this war could continue. The Winter fey didn't mind as much as the Seelie, I was sure. The darkness inside us reveled in the killing and the bloodshed, drinking it in.

Kierran had it worse than others though. He had told me once that having the most Winter power was not necessarily a good thing: the darkness tried to consume him, to use him as nothing more than a vessel through which it could commit acts even the worst Winter fey would find horrifying. He had also told me that it was I that prevented him from giving in to the darkness completely, that my love for him and the inner light of my essence fought off the darkness. I tried to ask him more about it, but he began doing things to my body that didn't allow me to think straight.

But the war would end today, either way. Kierran and the Seelie bastard had apparently come to some sort of agreement: one warrior from either side would fight to the death. The one left standing would decide the victor of the war. Even with organized plans in place, no one was stupid enough to enter a battlefield without being ready for a battle to take place.

"Should we go?" Kierran asked. "No doubt they are waiting for us."

I turned in his arms to give him one last pre-battle kiss, then slid out of his embrace. Side by side, we walked down to meet our army.

0o0oOo0o0

I stood next to Kierran sometime later, Oberon and his bitch Titania across from us. The ranks of Summer and Winter fey surrounded us in a loose circle.

"Oberon." Kierran greeted cordially. "You found my deal acceptable, I presume?"

"Yes. I will act according of the terms of this agreement." He replied.

"Very well." My lover said. He motioned behind him and one of his protégés, Fabian, stepped out, sword in hand. "This is the warrior that will represent the Winter fey." Kierran announced. "Who will represent Summer?"

Titania stepped back, fading into the crowd of bystanders, leaving Oberon to draw his weapon and step forward. "I am."

Fabian, Kierran and I all exchanged glances. This was not what Kierran had meant when he had said "warriors". But we couldn't refuse Oberon this choice. So we stepped back as well, leaving Fabian to his fate.

It was over within minutes. Oberon clearly had more power, and he was utilizing it. When the Summer faery held his sword to Fabian's throat, Kierran threw himself into the circle, quicker than I had time to protest.

"Wait." he said, and Oberon turned to him. "Release him." Kierran said. "I will fight you myself."

Oberon raised a single silver eyebrow, then did as Kierran asked. The most powerful Winter fey drew his sword and engaged in battle.

The fight lasted a long time. Blood soon spattered the ground between the combatants, but it was impossible to tell who had the upper hand. I was doing my best to not leap in there, grab Kierran and run, pride and victory be damned. If something happened…

A sudden clang of metal followed by a collective gasp from the other bystanders brought my attention back to the battle at hand. And watching the scene before me, it took everything in my power to not cry.

Kierran had his arms wrapped around his stomach and despite his attempts to stop it, red blossomed around his arms. His sword lay several feet away from him.

"Kierran!" I laid his head in my lap, brushing strands of pale hair away from his ashen face. "Kierran, no! Don't do this. Come on, wake up. Please." The last word was a desperate, whispered sob, and he opened his eyes.

They were as beautifully blue as ever, but the familiar twinkle was gone. "Maeve." he whispered. "I'm sorry. He got in a lucky shot, and…"

I brought my face closer to his. "Kierran, what am I supposed to do if you die?"

His thumb gently wiped a tear from my cheek. I hadn't even known I was crying. "Shh, Maeve, shh. It's okay. Before I fade away completely, I have something left to give you."

"I want nothing but for you to live." I whispered back.

He gave his head a feeble shake, but didn't speak, instead taking my hands and holding them to his heart. He exhaled slowly, a bright blue burst of cold air passing through his lips, and freezing energy coursed through my body, making my muscles spasm. At that moment, I felt Kierran's heart, finally and irreversibly, stop beating.

Biting back tears, I stayed there for an indeterminate amount of time, grieving over the loss of my lover. Finally, I stepped away from his body and stood facing all the fey- both Summer and Winter- that stood around me. The dark, savage nature rose to meet me, and I embraced it, not having Kierran to keep it back, and frankly, not caring enough to hold it back myself. Raising my voice as I spoke, I felt the truth of my words.

"I am Queen Mab of the Unseelie Court, and you will bow down before me."

_End Flashback***********************************************************************_

_Oh, Kierran. _I thought as the memory faded. _Would you recognize me now, if you saw me? Would you still love me, after what I have become? _I glanced up a mirror on the far wall showing my reflection. My silver eyes were gone, but in appearance, I remained almost the same. Even after thousands of years of ruling, of seeing my reflection, my own black eyes haunted me.

_Weak. _The dark, savage, Unseelie nature whispered. _You are weak. You help the boy, even when it only harms you. He has no value. _

As much as I hated Ash, hated the "Iron Queen", I could understand his loyalty, his reasons for making his ill-fated promise and undergoing such an impossible quest. If it was Kierran who was taken from me, but still alive, I would have done the same thing. And so now, after he had betrayed me once again, I finally understood why I loved him so.

_Ash _does _serve a purpose. _I thought to my Unseelie nature. _He reminds me of who I once was. _

**A/N: You didn't really think that I would just leave you with that, did you? So, a few notes on this: everything about Kierran, from his appearance to his name, was intentional, so it resembled Meghan. If you didn't get that. Also, I did my research for this fic, I really did. Kierran is spelled with two 'r's, as it is in Iron Knight, chapter 20, The March Through Time. The transfer of the Winter power from Kierran to Mab was written as described when Machina's power was transferred into Meghan in The Iron King. And Mab's words: **

**"Kierran, no! Don't do this. Come on, wake up. Please." The last word was a desperate, whispered sob, and he opened his eyes.**

**Were taken from Iron Queen from Ash to Meghan, when she was dying. I just switch Meghan to Kierran, changed a couple of pronouns, and there you go. Once again, this was INTENTIONAL, to illustrate the similarities between Mab and Ash. **

**In regards to the name Maeve: I've actually done research (yes, purely for fun) on Mab and fey in general, and I've read entries/articles where Mab is referred to as "Maeve". So... yeah. **

**Finally, please, PLEASE review. I know this was a very unique fic, and I want to know what you think of it. So please make me bounce up and down in happiness by reviewing.**

**Thanks!**

**Queen of Air and Darkness  
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